Feel like you have to be someone else to be liked?
This is a topic I feel strongly about and I’m super passionate about. I have personally experienced this throughout my life, at different stages, and in various ways.
If I’m being honest, it’s only recently that I’ve started working on it, and I’m continuing to push myself outside the familiar and comfortable.
Do you struggle with being yourself?
Have you ever felt like if you were truly yourself or too ‘out there’ people wouldn’t like you? Or that if you express confidence or act in a confident way, you’ll come across as potentially big headed? Maybe you’ve felt the need to be extra accommodating and nice to others, at the expense of your own feelings, needs, or even your own potential? Stayed quiet in moments you’ve wanted to speak up or express yourself?
The pressure to play small
From my own experience, I’ve noticed that women are often encouraged to be modest and ‘play small’ in order to be approved of and I’ve felt that pressure myself.
I’ve been reflecting on how women are socialised in society, and it’s something I care deeply about because I’ve felt the weight of those expectations in my own life.
My personal struggles
I’m going to put my hands up now and say this was me:
Never speaking up in meetings out of fear of judgement
Not expressing my opinion in case it’s wrong, I might offend someone, or people won’t like me for it
Coming away from situations feeling small and inferior
Not expressing myself in the way I want to because I want to be liked
Not putting myself forward for promotions because it feels too big headed or like I’m asking for too much
Not creating a business for 4 years because "who do I think I am?" I worried people wouldn’t like me for it and would think “Who does she think she is?” or “That’s embaressing, what is she doing?”
Taking the blame for a colleague who hadn’t done what they needed to do, because I didn’t want to be seen as mean, so I instead came across as incompetent myself
Oh the list goes on. I can honestly say it has been completely exhausting living this way - living for others, living to be approved of, and holding myself back from self-expression.
The fear behind it all
After getting honest with myself and speaking to other women, I realised there’s a fear here.
Let me tell you what this is:
It’s a fear of rejection. You feel safer dimming your light and seeking approval over your own self-expression.
Why this happens
Many women are raised in environments where social harmony and approval are emphasised. Expressing confidence or individuality can be seen as challenging those norms, leading to a fear of rejection or criticism from others.
Social conditioning and cultural expectations play a huge role here. For centuries, women have been taught to prioritise others' needs and to fit into certain societal expectations, often putting their desires and needs aside. Girls are often praised for being helpful, and kind. However, this emphasis on caring for others can create a situation where women are taught to suppress their own desires, emotions, and personal needs in favour of meeting the needs of others- whether family, partners, children, or colleagues.
Historically, women have been expected to be humble, and nurturing, rather than demonstrate more traditionally masculine traits, like assertiveness and self-promotion. This has led to a stigma around women displaying too much confidence or asserting their personal power. Many cultures have emphasised submissiveness in women, teaching them to be compliant.
For example at work, women might feel pressured to agree, even when they have valid concerns or alternative perspectives. This is often a result of not being socialised to challenge authority in the same way boys are encouraged to do.
A woman who is assertive may be labelled as "too aggressive" "difficult” or even called a “b***h” while the same behavior in a man might be seen as "leadership." This leads women to hold back their voices to avoid these negative stereotypes.
Breaking free and being you
I wanted to mention all of the above in this in a blog post because if you ever think to yourself, “Why am I like this?” I don’t want you to blame yourself.
This is the result of deep-rooted conditioning, gender roles, and cultural expectations.
I also want to point out that if you do follow the stereotypical traits of femininity - like being caring, nurturing, and sensitive - that isn’t a bad thing. It’s about embracing those parts of you while not holding onto the parts that hold you back.
For example, you can be kind to others without sacrificing your own needs.
You can have friends who appreciate you and still be a confident person. You don’t have to be either/or, and you don’t have to hold yourself back from things for fear of being judged or disliked.
Of course, not everyone feels this pressure in the same way, as personal experiences, upbringing, and cultural contexts vary, but for many women, these challenges are deeply rooted in years and years of social conditioning.
What’s helping me: Small steps toward self-expression and confidence
I understand it’s hard. It’s something I’m working through right now as I put myself out there more in my career. It’s a challenge I face everyday.
One thing that’s working for me right now is:
Small steps and exposure - I’m gradually putting myself outside my comfort zone and taking small steps that help me feel more empowered. I’m gradually expressing myself and building my confidence in new areas and learning how to share my opinions more. For example, I don’t have a big following on social media, and for me, that works right now because I can share more about my experiences without the huge pressure and I can grow as I go. When fear pops up, I remind myself: “I’m doing this because I approve of myself, not for others approval. I am capable and deserving of expressing myself.”
Final thoughts: Embrace who you are
If you want help navigating your relationship with yourself, and you want someone in your corner making sure you step outside of your comfort zone and embrace who you are, building your confidence - please reach out to me. I’m with you on this.
With love,
Ellie