Are setbacks defining you? Here’s how to break free and reclaim your worth
Have you ever had an experience where you’ve been completely knocked back?
We’ve all been there - whether it’s a job rejection, a ‘failed’ relationship, or a missed opportunity. It’s natural, in the moment, to let those moments define us. But what if these setbacks weren’t the end of our story? What if they were simply a teeny tiny paragraph in the entire book that is our life?
In the moment, it can feel like the things that are happening are - let's be real - the end of the world. We might react because our minds feel an initial shock, discomfort, or a ‘what’s next’ panic. But I’ve learned that it’s completely okay to feel those feelings, and in the end, you will move forward into something better.
Here’s a personal share of mine:
About six years ago, I went through a difficult time in my life, and I faced some challenges that affected my personal and professional life. I struggled with mental health issues, and I faced some professional setbacks that added to my sense of shame and self-doubt. It was a tough experience, but it taught me a lot about the importance of self-compassion and resilience.
There have also been periods when I built my freelancing career, worked hard for companies, and then unexpectedly lost my jobs.
I’ve also poured my heart into job applications, thinking I’d found the perfect fit - only to be rejected. Each time, it felt like a blow to my sense of self.
Here’s what I’ve come to realise…
You must allow yourself to feel the pain of those moments. Let yourself grieve, vent, and process.
And here’s the key: After you’ve let it suck, don’t let the setback turn into a story about who you are. Don’t let it define you. You’re not what happened to you; you are what you decide to do next
Here’s some steps that I follow when I face a setback or perceived failure:
Step 1: Tend to the human
Do what you need to do and feel what you need to feel. This is almost like a stage of grief. You’ve have to feel your feelings and recognise what’s coming up. Let frustration, disappointment, and sadness surface, and allow it to be there. Talk to someone, journal about it, have a coaching session – do whatever helps you process it. I’d also recommend doing something to cheer yourself up. Its important to take care of yourself after a setback.
Step 2: Check in with your story
When we go through tough situations, we often start telling ourselves stories about them. The more we replay these stories in our minds, the more we start to link the situation to who we are. For example, if we ‘fail’ at something or something didn’t go to plan, we might begin thinking, “I’m a failure.” Over time, this story becomes part of our identity.
But we gotta remember: the situation itself doesn’t define you. It’s just something you experienced. When you make it mean something negative about who you are, it can hold you back.
So, it’s important to ask yourself in the moment of the setback:
- What am I making this mean about me?
- How is this adding to my story?
These questions can help you separate the event from your identity and stop letting it shape how you see yourself.
Step 3: Rejection isn’t personal
You are a small part of a bigger picture. Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a job you didn’t get, most of the time, it has nothing to do with your abilities or worth. It's more about timing, fit, or the other person’s circumstances.
I could write a whole chapter on rejection and feeling rejected by others. But for now, let me give you these key points:
Feeling rejected in dating? It’s not about your worth. There are so many factors at play- relationship beliefs, attachment styles, emotional availability, and so on.
Feeling rejected in an interview? There are budgets, different personalities, changing business needs, and external factors influencing the decision. It’s not a measure of your value and potential.
In the moment remind yourself it’s not all on you.
Step 4: Focus on the redirection
Rejection is redirection. One door closes, another opens. Setbacks aren’t dead ends, they’re opportunities to refine your approach and explore new paths.
Instead of dwelling on what didn’t work, focus on where you want to go next. If you’re unsure, that’s okay. Train your mind to see this as a chance for redirection. When you do, your brain will start learning to seek out solutions and new opportunities.
Step 5: Jump to your Grandma self i.e. the future you
In the grand scheme of things, will this matter a year from now? Two years? Five? Fifty?
This shift in perspective helps you gain emotional distance and clarity. Will the future you even remember the person who rejected you or the job you didn’t get? Likely not. But you will have learned and grown from this moment.
Step 6: Use this as an opportunity to practice a growth mindset
A growth mindset means seeing challenges as opportunities to grow, not as threats and not as something that negatively defines you. It’s about embracing setbacks as learning experiences and staying open to growth and new possibilities.
Step 7: Detach your worth from external validation
Reconnect with your true value. Stop seeking approval or validation from others to feel worthy. Take a moment to write down the things you like about yourself and say them out loud. When you stop relying on external validation, you free yourself to live more confidently.
Moving forward
It’s natural to feel defeated after rejection. We start asking ourselves, “Am I not good enough?” or “Why does this always happen to me?” These thoughts can chip away at us, making us doubt ourselves and our abilities.
But remember, your self-worth isn’t defined by your setbacks. It’s not tied to any outcome or external validation. Your worth is a natural part of who you are, and every time you rise after a setback, you’re proving that your value is constant, regardless of the situation.
Have you ever faced a setback that made you question yourself? How did you bounce back?
Share your thoughts in the comments below - I’d love to hear your story.